I leave for Kansas tonight at to say I am excited would be an understatement. Words can't express how much I love spending time with my family. Friends will come and go, but family stays with you forever!
I have been accepted into Luther Seminary! I am so stinkin excited about it. I have one more step to go until it is "official" I have to go through the candidacy interviews. If all is hunky dory, well then I will be on my way to becoming a Diaconal Minister.
The other week we had snow, SNOW, in May and today it is 75 degrees. Oh North Dakota how I love thee.
I figured I had not posted anything in a while. So there was a quick update on things. I am sure I will write again soon.
Janie <><
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Thursday, December 11, 2014
bowl full of randomness, short and not sweet
Yesterday I was handed a bowl full of bad news, some expected, some not. I am not ready to go into detail yet with all the bad news but I need to blog.
This week has ben long, ruff, and I am ready for the weekend. Actually I really want to get away this weekend but with the holidays that is not going to happen. Due to my bowl full of bad news however it has kind of made me loose the Christmas spirit that I was in last week. I was ready to bake, decorate, and just be jolly. Now I don't want to finish baking, or wrapping my presents. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep for days because I am exhausted physically and mentally.
Here is to next week hoping that bad news wont fall into my plate and it will be a jolly time.
This week has ben long, ruff, and I am ready for the weekend. Actually I really want to get away this weekend but with the holidays that is not going to happen. Due to my bowl full of bad news however it has kind of made me loose the Christmas spirit that I was in last week. I was ready to bake, decorate, and just be jolly. Now I don't want to finish baking, or wrapping my presents. I want to curl up in a ball and sleep for days because I am exhausted physically and mentally.
Here is to next week hoping that bad news wont fall into my plate and it will be a jolly time.
Friday, December 5, 2014
"wrapped" up in the Season...
I have had lots of feedback on my post a few nights ago. Which has led me to a few thoughts.
1.) We all grieve in our own way, I have grieved, and feel like I am done grieving, however none of us are ever done grieving.
2.) I just really want to start blogging I think it will help with Seminary.
With that being said thanks for all your encouragement in me blogging. I have a lot of friends who blog and they all love it and I always say how I am going to blog more. I am now two for two.
I thought I would share some thoughts about this Sunday's Gospel text.
Mark 1:1-8
1.) We all grieve in our own way, I have grieved, and feel like I am done grieving, however none of us are ever done grieving.
2.) I just really want to start blogging I think it will help with Seminary.
With that being said thanks for all your encouragement in me blogging. I have a lot of friends who blog and they all love it and I always say how I am going to blog more. I am now two for two.
I thought I would share some thoughts about this Sunday's Gospel text.
Mark 1:1-8
The Proclamation of John the Baptist
1 The beginning of the good news of Jesus Christ, the Son of God.
2 As it is written in the prophet Isaiah,
“See, I am sending my messenger ahead of you,
who will prepare your way;
3 the voice of one crying out in the wilderness:
‘Prepare the way of the Lord,
make his paths straight,’”
who will prepare your way;
3 the voice of one crying out in the wilderness:
‘Prepare the way of the Lord,
make his paths straight,’”
4 John the baptizer appeared in the wilderness, proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins. 5 And people from the whole Judean countryside and all the people of Jerusalem were going out to him, and were baptized by him in the river Jordan, confessing their sins. 6 Now John was clothed with camel’s hair, with a leather belt around his waist, and he ate locusts and wild honey. 7 He proclaimed, “The one who is more powerful than I is coming after me; I am not worthy to stoop down and untie the thong of his sandals. 8 I have baptized you with water; but he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit.”
I LOVE Christmas! I did however go through a spell where I didn't really like it, but I love it now. Right now we are in the season on Advent which means that we are waiting and anticipating the Birth of Christ. Now if you ask my Dad how I am at Christmas waiting to open up presents, He will most likely tell you that I am annoying, and act like a five year old. Well I just can't wait! I can't handle that anticipation. Which spills over into my faith life. I can't wait for the birth of Christ, I am overwhelmed with such joy. So how do we not get "wrapped" up in the hustle and bustle of the season, shopping and focus our time more on what the real meaning of Christmas is.
Spending time with family is something that is precious to everyone. Whether they are blood related or not, our time with those that are close to us is something that we need as humans. Our family are the ones who know us best. Mark tells us that John who was a baptizer was proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the foreignness of sins. James 5 tells us that Therefore we should confess our sins to another therefore we may be healed. If we can't confess, and repent to those around our us, how can we do that infront of God? In my life when I am praying to God or confessing at times it feels like pretend. Why? Because I am looking up at the ceiling, the sky, or where ever I am at praying to something I can not see. But what I think James, Mark, and John are telling us is that our family and friends are Christ. It make it real, and raw when we sit down from one another and confess to them our deepest darkest fears, secrets, and sins.
It is in these moments of repentance that we don't get wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of the season. We remember the real reason of season. The baptism was a sign indicating that one had truly repented. John said that he was not worthy to stoop down and until the thong of Jesus' sandals which was a Jewish no no. It was the responsibility of a low servant when a house guest comes to dine; removing the sandal and washing the feet for comfort, and John was saying that he was not even worthy enough to do such and act, no one was for Christ.
So in the midst of this holiday season of trying to get the best deals on shopping, wrapping presents. Let us remember to keep our paths straight, to prepare the way of Lord. Because Jesus is coming...
Spending time with family is something that is precious to everyone. Whether they are blood related or not, our time with those that are close to us is something that we need as humans. Our family are the ones who know us best. Mark tells us that John who was a baptizer was proclaiming a baptism of repentance for the foreignness of sins. James 5 tells us that Therefore we should confess our sins to another therefore we may be healed. If we can't confess, and repent to those around our us, how can we do that infront of God? In my life when I am praying to God or confessing at times it feels like pretend. Why? Because I am looking up at the ceiling, the sky, or where ever I am at praying to something I can not see. But what I think James, Mark, and John are telling us is that our family and friends are Christ. It make it real, and raw when we sit down from one another and confess to them our deepest darkest fears, secrets, and sins.
It is in these moments of repentance that we don't get wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of the season. We remember the real reason of season. The baptism was a sign indicating that one had truly repented. John said that he was not worthy to stoop down and until the thong of Jesus' sandals which was a Jewish no no. It was the responsibility of a low servant when a house guest comes to dine; removing the sandal and washing the feet for comfort, and John was saying that he was not even worthy enough to do such and act, no one was for Christ.
So in the midst of this holiday season of trying to get the best deals on shopping, wrapping presents. Let us remember to keep our paths straight, to prepare the way of Lord. Because Jesus is coming...
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Skunk pills and complaints...
I feel like I say every year "I am going to blog/journal more." And every year I write a post and then I fail to write again, so this year I am not going to say that and in hopes maybe I will blog more.
Today I attended a funeral for a friend whose mom passed away. This friend and I used to work at camp together and became pretty good friends at camp. He was very supportive to me when my mom passed which I think prompted me to want to start blogging today.
Attending this funeral today was like ripping open old wounds. I am one who does not talk about my feelings, I am one who buries them deep down and I guess in a way I choose not to talk about them. In order for you to understand me I guess I have to go back to the beginning, because those old wounds that I once burried deep down and were now ripped open today are ready to be spoken, or in this case typed. But in its own way for me it is still pretend because I am acutally not sitting down infront you to say this, and I won't because that I can't do.
When I was born I was to much of a strain on my mothers body becuase she was a diabetic and having me put to much strain on her kidneys so after I was born my mother had to endure a kidney and pancreas transplant. My mother never complained, well maybe once after I was born I hear the story of how she was holding me and her words were." I love her so much but I just want to throw her against the wall." That was the only complaint I think I have ever heard from her I guess it was her way of saying: "Why the hell do I have this disease and this sucks." My mother in addition to that surgery after I was born went on to have two more pancreas transplants, a gastric pacemaker put in her stomach, and not to mention all of the needles that she was poked with, countless nights in the hospital, the crap she had to drink, and all of the pills she had to take, the big ones and the ones that smelt like skunks. I don't know how she did it, but through it all she NEVER once complained. She always had this faith in God that no matter what he would provide. Which is I guess where I get my faith in God from.
When I was growing up I felt like my world revolved around my mother and whether or not she was ill or well. Due to this rollercoster I always buried what my feelings were deep down; because I felt in our family that my mothers health came first. She always told me that I was her "masterpiece" She wanted noting more in this world than to have child and I was it. I was her world, and my world revolved around her, so in turn she was my world.
Now I should mention that my life was not all about my mother being sick, there were fun times and we made the most of them. My mother was a night owl, which is where I am sure I got that trait from. I remember we would stay up late watching re-runs of "In the Heat of the Night." One night we stayed up practically all night watching CMT waiting for the music video of "Butterfly Kisses" to come on, because then internet and youtube was not the thing yet. It finally came on about 6 a.m. which we then decided it was morning and needed breakfast and then took a long nap. One year we woke up at the break of dawn drove to Herbergers for Black Friday just so I could get a $20 comforter. One time my family went camping with my Aunts camper for three days. We had to bring the entire house, including the kitchen sink; but of course forgot the milk. Good thing the State Line was open. We made fun out of the little things because we couldn't go to Disneyland, or some other place that every other family seemed to be going on vacation and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
But now four years later, she is gone. One comment someone made to me will always stick with me. Once my mom decided to go on to hospice and we brought her home someone told me: "Janie I would have thought if anyone could change her mind, it would be you." Talk about about a tough "skunk" pill to swallow. But you know what my mom made the right choice, and her choice was my choice, and my dad's choice. Because we knew that her frail, scarred from surgery, broken, weak body could no longer endure the life struggles she was delt with; and dammit she was ready to complain. She was ready to go to a place where she didn't have to suffer anymore, a place where she was set free from those struggles.
Every one grieves in their own way. My dad took moms death very hard in the beginning. I of course buried it deep down. It is funny how it hits you not one day goes by that my mom does not cross my mind. I think, "I wonder what mom would have had to say about this." I would love to have one more long conversation with here and a pop. Sometimes it hits you like a slap in the face, even though I think about her every day somedays it hits me and it is like I forgot that she was gone. Somehow life goes on. We need to look to the future and what is to come instead of the past.
So there is that. In other fun news that has happened in my life in the last year.
I decided to go to Seminary - yay! That to be honest is one of the only big things that happened in the past year. Here is to blogging more and not going through the motions.
One thing that I really took away from today's funeral was that life is to short. Take and adventure, be bold, be blunt, live life with no regrets.
Today I attended a funeral for a friend whose mom passed away. This friend and I used to work at camp together and became pretty good friends at camp. He was very supportive to me when my mom passed which I think prompted me to want to start blogging today.
Attending this funeral today was like ripping open old wounds. I am one who does not talk about my feelings, I am one who buries them deep down and I guess in a way I choose not to talk about them. In order for you to understand me I guess I have to go back to the beginning, because those old wounds that I once burried deep down and were now ripped open today are ready to be spoken, or in this case typed. But in its own way for me it is still pretend because I am acutally not sitting down infront you to say this, and I won't because that I can't do.
When I was born I was to much of a strain on my mothers body becuase she was a diabetic and having me put to much strain on her kidneys so after I was born my mother had to endure a kidney and pancreas transplant. My mother never complained, well maybe once after I was born I hear the story of how she was holding me and her words were." I love her so much but I just want to throw her against the wall." That was the only complaint I think I have ever heard from her I guess it was her way of saying: "Why the hell do I have this disease and this sucks." My mother in addition to that surgery after I was born went on to have two more pancreas transplants, a gastric pacemaker put in her stomach, and not to mention all of the needles that she was poked with, countless nights in the hospital, the crap she had to drink, and all of the pills she had to take, the big ones and the ones that smelt like skunks. I don't know how she did it, but through it all she NEVER once complained. She always had this faith in God that no matter what he would provide. Which is I guess where I get my faith in God from.
When I was growing up I felt like my world revolved around my mother and whether or not she was ill or well. Due to this rollercoster I always buried what my feelings were deep down; because I felt in our family that my mothers health came first. She always told me that I was her "masterpiece" She wanted noting more in this world than to have child and I was it. I was her world, and my world revolved around her, so in turn she was my world.
Now I should mention that my life was not all about my mother being sick, there were fun times and we made the most of them. My mother was a night owl, which is where I am sure I got that trait from. I remember we would stay up late watching re-runs of "In the Heat of the Night." One night we stayed up practically all night watching CMT waiting for the music video of "Butterfly Kisses" to come on, because then internet and youtube was not the thing yet. It finally came on about 6 a.m. which we then decided it was morning and needed breakfast and then took a long nap. One year we woke up at the break of dawn drove to Herbergers for Black Friday just so I could get a $20 comforter. One time my family went camping with my Aunts camper for three days. We had to bring the entire house, including the kitchen sink; but of course forgot the milk. Good thing the State Line was open. We made fun out of the little things because we couldn't go to Disneyland, or some other place that every other family seemed to be going on vacation and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
But now four years later, she is gone. One comment someone made to me will always stick with me. Once my mom decided to go on to hospice and we brought her home someone told me: "Janie I would have thought if anyone could change her mind, it would be you." Talk about about a tough "skunk" pill to swallow. But you know what my mom made the right choice, and her choice was my choice, and my dad's choice. Because we knew that her frail, scarred from surgery, broken, weak body could no longer endure the life struggles she was delt with; and dammit she was ready to complain. She was ready to go to a place where she didn't have to suffer anymore, a place where she was set free from those struggles.
Every one grieves in their own way. My dad took moms death very hard in the beginning. I of course buried it deep down. It is funny how it hits you not one day goes by that my mom does not cross my mind. I think, "I wonder what mom would have had to say about this." I would love to have one more long conversation with here and a pop. Sometimes it hits you like a slap in the face, even though I think about her every day somedays it hits me and it is like I forgot that she was gone. Somehow life goes on. We need to look to the future and what is to come instead of the past.
So there is that. In other fun news that has happened in my life in the last year.
I decided to go to Seminary - yay! That to be honest is one of the only big things that happened in the past year. Here is to blogging more and not going through the motions.
One thing that I really took away from today's funeral was that life is to short. Take and adventure, be bold, be blunt, live life with no regrets.
Monday, March 4, 2013
I want to move mountains.
In the past months I have had this feeling, this disire. I want to move mountains. I want to do something big! I don't exactly know what it is yet, but I just have this feeling. I know that what I am already doing (youth ministry is huge, and in a way is moving mountains) but I just feel like something bigger than that. So your encouragement/thoughts are appreciated.
God has been doing some pretty big things in my life. I feel like I have fallen deeper with God since my last post. I am opening my bible more, praying more, and worshiping in a new way. I am completly content with the way things are going right now in my life. I am so excited for spring to get here. Mother nature played a mean trick on me today and yesterday. Saturday was beautiful, but yesterday and today it is cold, snowy and rainy.
Lent is this time of a journey, a time on reflection. And that is exactly what I have been doing. I know I don't have all of the answers, and I don't have a lot figured out, but don't we all. "We are free to struggle, but we're not struggling to be free" Shout out to Tenth Avenue North. It is okay to struggle with your faith, and where you are at with God. It is okay for him to be on the back burner. We all have this problem. It is hard to pray/talk to God when really where is he? You kneel by your bed at night, fold your ,pray, look up to the ceiling...is God the ceiling? the bed? the floor? No but I will admit it is hard to pray/talk to Him when you can't physically see Him, but you can see the ceiling. Does this make it pretend? Real? God where the heck are you? You see where I am going with this. Struggling. Sometimes even though we don's see or hear God, we have to trust in the fact that He is there with us no matter what. The way the wind moves through your hair, the pastor giving their sermon on Sunday morning. The good friends of yours, He is there.
Why is it so hard to pray with one another. Are we afraid to tell each other our deepest darkest secrets, fears? Are we so ashamed of our past, present, who/what we really are? Does it make it real, but when we pray to God (the ceiling) is it pretend? In James it says therefore confess your sins with one another, so you can pray for each other. Jesus is constantly praying with people. God knows our deepest sin, and really that is the only judgment we need.
So why is it so hard to tell our closest friends what we are afraid of? Our darkest Sins. Who are they to judge, if they are your friends, and godly friends what should it matter, because the only one who can judge us, is God. But why can't we open up to each other. (Struggling) We are afraid of being judged, and it is in our human nature to judge, and to think of ourselfs to be better than someone else. Drop your pride, your chains are broken God has already forgiven you, but leave the judging to Him.
So I challenge you to drop your chains. Whatever you are holding on to, Our loving and forgiving God has forgivien you, He has washed his hands clean of it. So now it is your turn to forgive yourself. Forget about what is draging you down. I struggle with this everyday. I think of things from my past long ago sins, and I carry them around why? I can't let go of them, I have not forgivin myself. Well today is a new day, and guess what, I am not thinking about them anymore, they are in the past.
This may have been a lot of word vomit for you to read, but today it was more like a journal for me, chatting/typing away at whats in my head and getting it onto the paper for people to see/read, and for me to read as well. I hope you followed my crazyness and just words on a page. But if you take one thing from this, Know that whatever you are going through, it is okay to wrestle and struggle with it. But please forgive yourself, becuase the One who made you and are perfect in everyway, has already forgiven you. You are loved. Live loved today and everyday. pray for each other.
God has been doing some pretty big things in my life. I feel like I have fallen deeper with God since my last post. I am opening my bible more, praying more, and worshiping in a new way. I am completly content with the way things are going right now in my life. I am so excited for spring to get here. Mother nature played a mean trick on me today and yesterday. Saturday was beautiful, but yesterday and today it is cold, snowy and rainy.
Lent is this time of a journey, a time on reflection. And that is exactly what I have been doing. I know I don't have all of the answers, and I don't have a lot figured out, but don't we all. "We are free to struggle, but we're not struggling to be free" Shout out to Tenth Avenue North. It is okay to struggle with your faith, and where you are at with God. It is okay for him to be on the back burner. We all have this problem. It is hard to pray/talk to God when really where is he? You kneel by your bed at night, fold your ,pray, look up to the ceiling...is God the ceiling? the bed? the floor? No but I will admit it is hard to pray/talk to Him when you can't physically see Him, but you can see the ceiling. Does this make it pretend? Real? God where the heck are you? You see where I am going with this. Struggling. Sometimes even though we don's see or hear God, we have to trust in the fact that He is there with us no matter what. The way the wind moves through your hair, the pastor giving their sermon on Sunday morning. The good friends of yours, He is there.
Why is it so hard to pray with one another. Are we afraid to tell each other our deepest darkest secrets, fears? Are we so ashamed of our past, present, who/what we really are? Does it make it real, but when we pray to God (the ceiling) is it pretend? In James it says therefore confess your sins with one another, so you can pray for each other. Jesus is constantly praying with people. God knows our deepest sin, and really that is the only judgment we need.
So why is it so hard to tell our closest friends what we are afraid of? Our darkest Sins. Who are they to judge, if they are your friends, and godly friends what should it matter, because the only one who can judge us, is God. But why can't we open up to each other. (Struggling) We are afraid of being judged, and it is in our human nature to judge, and to think of ourselfs to be better than someone else. Drop your pride, your chains are broken God has already forgiven you, but leave the judging to Him.
So I challenge you to drop your chains. Whatever you are holding on to, Our loving and forgiving God has forgivien you, He has washed his hands clean of it. So now it is your turn to forgive yourself. Forget about what is draging you down. I struggle with this everyday. I think of things from my past long ago sins, and I carry them around why? I can't let go of them, I have not forgivin myself. Well today is a new day, and guess what, I am not thinking about them anymore, they are in the past.
This may have been a lot of word vomit for you to read, but today it was more like a journal for me, chatting/typing away at whats in my head and getting it onto the paper for people to see/read, and for me to read as well. I hope you followed my crazyness and just words on a page. But if you take one thing from this, Know that whatever you are going through, it is okay to wrestle and struggle with it. But please forgive yourself, becuase the One who made you and are perfect in everyway, has already forgiven you. You are loved. Live loved today and everyday. pray for each other.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Future?!
So the big day is comming up! (Valientines Day!?)
This day has caused me to do so much pondering the last few weeks. And I have realized that I think I don't like this day. You see I have never, and I mean NEVER been in a "real" relationship. Unless you count the one time in high school, but it was more of those high school flings. I feel like God has placed this feeling/longing on my heart. To get married, have children, be an amazing wife and mother. I just finished reading the book. "When God Writes Your Love Story." Great book, if you have not read it, you probably should. The main point of the book was to hand over the pen of my life, and instead of me keep trying to write my love story/life, I was supposed to Give God the pen. SAY WHAT?! I am okay giving God the pen in everyother aspect of my life, but I was not so sure about this part...but I figured what I am doing is not working, so I guess I will let God have a try. The next point I picked out of the book, was that if you feel this longing, oviously God wouldn't let you feel/go through what you are feeling the pain, suffering, unless it is for your good, so obviously He is up to something.
Well its been a few weeks now of me going back and forth with this pen, I give it to God, well then I take it back again, and it goes back and forth. I think I am finally ready to give Him the pen fully because this going back and forth business is not working. So we will see how that goes. I guess to be honest I secretly do like Valentines Day, it is just hard to see all my friends getting married, having kids, getting out of a relationship, and back into one a few weeks later, and then they all hang out with their significant other on this Day so then I feell like I am left in the dust. But I think the hardest part is that I have this deep disire to have what my friends have, and I don't understand at times what am I doing wrong. I don't understand when a friend breaks up with their boyfriend/girlfriend, and then a month or so later, they are in a new relationship.
I know that I want my future husband whoever he is to be the only relationship I am in. And I know that is what God wants for me as well. But this waiting time, and figuring out my own life...sometimes sucks.
I know that at times I am not ready to be in a relationship, I am to dang busy, and if I can hardly find time for myself, how am I to find time for someone else. Plus I am also really messed up, we all are. But there are parts of my life, that I need to mess up even more, and then put the pieces together, and figure out parts of my life before I can bring another person into mine.
Okay enough of Valentines Day.
Last week I went to California, for a Conitinuing Education for my job. It was amazing. I got to see lots of old friends, catch up on their lives, and learn a ton of things. I also got to go to Disneyland for the first time ever in my life. I have never been to Disneyland or Disneyworld. I may have acted like an eight year old girl. But by going to this convention I learned so many new things, and most importantly how much I love my job, and what I do. I love hanging out, mentoring, laughting, guiding our young people. They have so much to teach us, and we have so much to learn from them. Sometimes my job does not even feel like work. So I want to thanks all of the mentors in my life:
Shantel Penn, even though your life on this earth was cut way to short, you taught me so much about what it means to be a woman of God. You listended to me with all of my high school drama, home life, and so much more. I wish you were still here physically, but I know you watch over me, and many more each day!
Sarah Thomson, you are stinking amazing! I loved/love writing you letters. You are such a great role model for what it means to be a woman in the church. Your independence, and love for the Lord shines. Also thanks for listening to me and all of my lifes struggles.
Janis Sloka III, the first summer you came to camp, I may have given you a rough time, but you have shown me what it means to be able to fogive. Your leadership, listening ear, and easy going personality have taught me so much, and I will take them with me wherever I go.
Chris Alexander, You were the first woman pastor that I really got to know. You showed me what it means to be a working woman, most importantly in the church. Thank you for your leadership.
My mom, even though you are looking down on me from heaven, and I miss you everyday, you taught me so much in the 21 years we had together. You never complained about any of the things you had to go through, your love, and complete trust in Lord is something that I need to remember every day. There is much more I could say, but I will leave it at that.
Thanks to my friends and family for always being there and supporting me in things that I do. I know that God has a plan for me and my future, and right now I feel that I am living His will. He is teaching me patience, I just wish at times He would hurry up in some departments of my life :)
Here is a picture of my week in California!
This day has caused me to do so much pondering the last few weeks. And I have realized that I think I don't like this day. You see I have never, and I mean NEVER been in a "real" relationship. Unless you count the one time in high school, but it was more of those high school flings. I feel like God has placed this feeling/longing on my heart. To get married, have children, be an amazing wife and mother. I just finished reading the book. "When God Writes Your Love Story." Great book, if you have not read it, you probably should. The main point of the book was to hand over the pen of my life, and instead of me keep trying to write my love story/life, I was supposed to Give God the pen. SAY WHAT?! I am okay giving God the pen in everyother aspect of my life, but I was not so sure about this part...but I figured what I am doing is not working, so I guess I will let God have a try. The next point I picked out of the book, was that if you feel this longing, oviously God wouldn't let you feel/go through what you are feeling the pain, suffering, unless it is for your good, so obviously He is up to something.
Well its been a few weeks now of me going back and forth with this pen, I give it to God, well then I take it back again, and it goes back and forth. I think I am finally ready to give Him the pen fully because this going back and forth business is not working. So we will see how that goes. I guess to be honest I secretly do like Valentines Day, it is just hard to see all my friends getting married, having kids, getting out of a relationship, and back into one a few weeks later, and then they all hang out with their significant other on this Day so then I feell like I am left in the dust. But I think the hardest part is that I have this deep disire to have what my friends have, and I don't understand at times what am I doing wrong. I don't understand when a friend breaks up with their boyfriend/girlfriend, and then a month or so later, they are in a new relationship.
I know that I want my future husband whoever he is to be the only relationship I am in. And I know that is what God wants for me as well. But this waiting time, and figuring out my own life...sometimes sucks.
I know that at times I am not ready to be in a relationship, I am to dang busy, and if I can hardly find time for myself, how am I to find time for someone else. Plus I am also really messed up, we all are. But there are parts of my life, that I need to mess up even more, and then put the pieces together, and figure out parts of my life before I can bring another person into mine.
Okay enough of Valentines Day.
Last week I went to California, for a Conitinuing Education for my job. It was amazing. I got to see lots of old friends, catch up on their lives, and learn a ton of things. I also got to go to Disneyland for the first time ever in my life. I have never been to Disneyland or Disneyworld. I may have acted like an eight year old girl. But by going to this convention I learned so many new things, and most importantly how much I love my job, and what I do. I love hanging out, mentoring, laughting, guiding our young people. They have so much to teach us, and we have so much to learn from them. Sometimes my job does not even feel like work. So I want to thanks all of the mentors in my life:
Shantel Penn, even though your life on this earth was cut way to short, you taught me so much about what it means to be a woman of God. You listended to me with all of my high school drama, home life, and so much more. I wish you were still here physically, but I know you watch over me, and many more each day!
Sarah Thomson, you are stinking amazing! I loved/love writing you letters. You are such a great role model for what it means to be a woman in the church. Your independence, and love for the Lord shines. Also thanks for listening to me and all of my lifes struggles.
Janis Sloka III, the first summer you came to camp, I may have given you a rough time, but you have shown me what it means to be able to fogive. Your leadership, listening ear, and easy going personality have taught me so much, and I will take them with me wherever I go.
Chris Alexander, You were the first woman pastor that I really got to know. You showed me what it means to be a working woman, most importantly in the church. Thank you for your leadership.
My mom, even though you are looking down on me from heaven, and I miss you everyday, you taught me so much in the 21 years we had together. You never complained about any of the things you had to go through, your love, and complete trust in Lord is something that I need to remember every day. There is much more I could say, but I will leave it at that.
Thanks to my friends and family for always being there and supporting me in things that I do. I know that God has a plan for me and my future, and right now I feel that I am living His will. He is teaching me patience, I just wish at times He would hurry up in some departments of my life :)
Here is a picture of my week in California!
Friday, September 7, 2012
At a loss for words
Warning: these are my thoughts, my opinion, and some of the stuff in here you may not agree with, I am not looking to start a huge argument. I am just making a statement, and asking if you are willing to support it.
Here I am almost midnight, I babysat my cousins children, all under the age of 7th grade with two of them being infants, well about an hour ago they were all in bed! (Wahoo!) Anyway my heart is heavy, so heavy. So many things I want to say, but I am at a loss for words, but need to type them out because any minute now one of these babies could be waking up. (I guess that is an encourager to get my butt in gear ha,)
I have all of this passion, and love for the Lord and his dear dear children. But as I said before in my last post I have been struggling to actually read my bible, lets say I have not read my bible in probs over a year unless I had to do it for work. So I am trying this new thing, reading it! I have an app on my phone, with a devotional, and it also has verses linked to it, as well as I am trying to read a chapter a night starting with a book I like. I have read through James, and now I am into 1st Corinthians.
The past week though, I have felt a little unsure about my faith, what I believe in. (Lutheranism.) Now don't get me wrong I love being a Lutheran. It has been great being a Lutheran my whole life. When I was in college, and even high school, I never went through the phase of "Lets experiment my faith, and do I really believe phase." And now I feel like I am there. Of course I know I am a Christian, but right now I feel a little like a non denominational Christian, but at the same time I want to stay true to my Lutheran Faith, because that is what I have believed in for so long. I have a feeling what I am feeling is normal.
Back to all of my passion and love for the Lord and his children. I just want to change lives. I want everyone to know Christ, I want them to Know that there is man who died on a cross, so that our wrongs, our sins, our imperfections, our flaws, everything it is FORGIVEN. And that we have done absolutely nothing to deserve it, but because of grace, we are forgiven, and that is a glorious fact.
There is this thing in the Bismarck/Mandan community (I will keep the name anonymous) but they have this event on most nights of the week for young youth for them to come to and worship, etc. It is great, they have pulled in a lot of youth, however, it is not Lutheran. And a lot of my Lutheran youth are attending this place. Heck I attended this place when I was there age. But right now I am working in a Lutheran Church, therefore despite my personal beliefs right now, I will stay true to the Lutheran Church. But what is the Lutheran Church doing in our community to get these kids into the Lutheran faith? Right now I feel like nothing. If we want our future of our church to be there 20 years from now, we need to form something like the place that these youth are going to that is not of the Lutheran Faith.
It is really hard to try and create something like this because I feel like I don't have the support (Now if your still reading this and are from the Bismarck/Mandan area don't get offended, because these are just my thoughts and my opinion.) I know I may be on some testy waters here, but come on church, the ELCA church is changing! It was only around 25 years ago that we allowed women pastors, which I think is amazing. It was about 4 years ago that we now allow Gay pastors. But baby boom generation, I know most of you don't agree with this new decision that the ELCA has allowed, and this has caused a major uproar. But guess what, our youth, they don't care! I mean they care, but the don't care if someone is straight, they would say well your straight. They don't care your Gay, because well thats who you are. Our youth are more accepting of people than my parents, or grandparents generation.
Another thing, so many pastors and people get angry about the christian music we may sing/listen to. They may say "Well that is not theologically correct for Lutherans" I get that and understand that, but especially for youth, if they are listening to christian music, is that not a start? Why get into that theologically correct stuff. Music is music, and a thing youth are into these days is music. They love it, I love it! Why do we some times get caught up in the "not so important stuff?"(again these are just my thoughts in my head-you may have a different opinion.)
So baby boom generation it is okay that the church is changing, we still believe in one baptism, we still believe that God sent his only son to die on the cross that our sins are forgiven. We are saved by the grace of God alone, (so who are we to judge?) Our salvation is through faith alone. You see our base is still there, but who are we to judge people? Is that not God's job?
So church, are you willing to stand behind me, to encourage our future of the church, our youth? Are you willing to not get caught up in some of the silly stuff? The ELCA is changing, because the times have changed. People have changed. That does not mean our base faith has changed, just the times are. And I understand you older generation, this is a hard thing to do, but we need to make sure that our church will still be here 20, 30 or 40 years from now.
Here are a few links of some videos of some ELCA Pastors that I think might be worth your watching. (If you are still reading by now.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaOzKDRF0D4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kM9Y5S3UYi8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ll3JbrtaCYY&feature=relmfu
p.s. the kids are still sleeping
Here I am almost midnight, I babysat my cousins children, all under the age of 7th grade with two of them being infants, well about an hour ago they were all in bed! (Wahoo!) Anyway my heart is heavy, so heavy. So many things I want to say, but I am at a loss for words, but need to type them out because any minute now one of these babies could be waking up. (I guess that is an encourager to get my butt in gear ha,)
I have all of this passion, and love for the Lord and his dear dear children. But as I said before in my last post I have been struggling to actually read my bible, lets say I have not read my bible in probs over a year unless I had to do it for work. So I am trying this new thing, reading it! I have an app on my phone, with a devotional, and it also has verses linked to it, as well as I am trying to read a chapter a night starting with a book I like. I have read through James, and now I am into 1st Corinthians.
The past week though, I have felt a little unsure about my faith, what I believe in. (Lutheranism.) Now don't get me wrong I love being a Lutheran. It has been great being a Lutheran my whole life. When I was in college, and even high school, I never went through the phase of "Lets experiment my faith, and do I really believe phase." And now I feel like I am there. Of course I know I am a Christian, but right now I feel a little like a non denominational Christian, but at the same time I want to stay true to my Lutheran Faith, because that is what I have believed in for so long. I have a feeling what I am feeling is normal.
Back to all of my passion and love for the Lord and his children. I just want to change lives. I want everyone to know Christ, I want them to Know that there is man who died on a cross, so that our wrongs, our sins, our imperfections, our flaws, everything it is FORGIVEN. And that we have done absolutely nothing to deserve it, but because of grace, we are forgiven, and that is a glorious fact.
There is this thing in the Bismarck/Mandan community (I will keep the name anonymous) but they have this event on most nights of the week for young youth for them to come to and worship, etc. It is great, they have pulled in a lot of youth, however, it is not Lutheran. And a lot of my Lutheran youth are attending this place. Heck I attended this place when I was there age. But right now I am working in a Lutheran Church, therefore despite my personal beliefs right now, I will stay true to the Lutheran Church. But what is the Lutheran Church doing in our community to get these kids into the Lutheran faith? Right now I feel like nothing. If we want our future of our church to be there 20 years from now, we need to form something like the place that these youth are going to that is not of the Lutheran Faith.
It is really hard to try and create something like this because I feel like I don't have the support (Now if your still reading this and are from the Bismarck/Mandan area don't get offended, because these are just my thoughts and my opinion.) I know I may be on some testy waters here, but come on church, the ELCA church is changing! It was only around 25 years ago that we allowed women pastors, which I think is amazing. It was about 4 years ago that we now allow Gay pastors. But baby boom generation, I know most of you don't agree with this new decision that the ELCA has allowed, and this has caused a major uproar. But guess what, our youth, they don't care! I mean they care, but the don't care if someone is straight, they would say well your straight. They don't care your Gay, because well thats who you are. Our youth are more accepting of people than my parents, or grandparents generation.
Another thing, so many pastors and people get angry about the christian music we may sing/listen to. They may say "Well that is not theologically correct for Lutherans" I get that and understand that, but especially for youth, if they are listening to christian music, is that not a start? Why get into that theologically correct stuff. Music is music, and a thing youth are into these days is music. They love it, I love it! Why do we some times get caught up in the "not so important stuff?"(again these are just my thoughts in my head-you may have a different opinion.)
So baby boom generation it is okay that the church is changing, we still believe in one baptism, we still believe that God sent his only son to die on the cross that our sins are forgiven. We are saved by the grace of God alone, (so who are we to judge?) Our salvation is through faith alone. You see our base is still there, but who are we to judge people? Is that not God's job?
So church, are you willing to stand behind me, to encourage our future of the church, our youth? Are you willing to not get caught up in some of the silly stuff? The ELCA is changing, because the times have changed. People have changed. That does not mean our base faith has changed, just the times are. And I understand you older generation, this is a hard thing to do, but we need to make sure that our church will still be here 20, 30 or 40 years from now.
Here are a few links of some videos of some ELCA Pastors that I think might be worth your watching. (If you are still reading by now.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaOzKDRF0D4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kM9Y5S3UYi8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ll3JbrtaCYY&feature=relmfu
p.s. the kids are still sleeping
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