I want to move mountains.

In the past months I have had this feeling, this disire. I want to move mountains. I want to do something big! I don't exactly know what it is yet, but I just have this feeling. I know that what I am already doing (youth ministry is huge, and in a way is moving mountains) but I just feel like something bigger than that. So your encouragement/thoughts are appreciated.

God has been doing some pretty big things in my life. I feel like I have fallen deeper with God since my last post. I am opening my bible more, praying more, and worshiping in a new way. I am completly content with the way things are going right now in my life. I am so excited for spring to get here. Mother nature played a mean trick on me today and yesterday. Saturday was beautiful, but yesterday and today it is cold, snowy and rainy.

Lent is this time of a journey, a time on reflection. And that is exactly what I have been doing. I know I don't have all of the answers, and I don't have a lot figured out, but don't we all. "We are free to struggle, but we're not struggling to be free" Shout out to Tenth Avenue North. It is okay to struggle with your faith, and where you are at with God. It is okay for him to be on the back burner. We all have this problem. It is hard to pray/talk to God when really where is he? You kneel by your bed at night, fold your ,pray, look up to the ceiling...is God the ceiling? the bed? the floor? No but I will admit it is hard to pray/talk to Him when you can't physically see Him, but you can see the ceiling. Does this make it pretend? Real? God where the heck are you? You see where I am going with this. Struggling. Sometimes even though we don's see or hear God, we have to trust in the fact that He is there with us no matter what. The way the wind moves through your hair, the pastor giving their sermon on Sunday morning. The good friends of yours, He is there.

Why is it so hard to pray with one another. Are we afraid to tell each other our deepest darkest secrets, fears? Are we so ashamed of our past, present, who/what we really are? Does it make it real, but when we pray to God (the ceiling) is it pretend? In James it says therefore confess your sins with one another, so you can pray for each other. Jesus is constantly praying with people. God knows our deepest sin, and really that is the only judgment we need.

So why is it so hard to tell our closest friends what we are afraid of? Our darkest Sins. Who are they to judge, if they are your friends, and godly friends what should it matter, because the only one who can judge us, is God. But why can't we open up to each other. (Struggling) We are afraid of being judged, and it is in our human nature to judge, and to think of ourselfs to be better than someone else. Drop your pride, your chains are broken God has already forgiven you, but leave the judging to Him.
So I challenge you to drop your chains. Whatever you are holding on to, Our loving and forgiving God has forgivien you, He has washed his hands clean of it. So now it is your turn to forgive yourself. Forget about what is draging you down. I struggle with this everyday. I think of things from my past long ago sins, and I carry them around why? I can't let go of them, I have not forgivin myself. Well today is a new day, and guess what, I am not thinking about them anymore, they are in the past.

This may have been a lot of word vomit for you to read, but today it was more like a journal for me, chatting/typing away at whats in my head and getting it onto the paper for people to see/read, and for me to read as well. I hope you followed my crazyness and just words on a page. But if you take one thing from this, Know that whatever you are going through, it is okay to wrestle and struggle with it. But please forgive yourself, becuase the One who made you and are perfect in everyway, has already forgiven you. You are loved. Live loved today and everyday. pray for each other.

Future?!

So the big day is comming up! (Valientines Day!?)
This day has caused me to do so much pondering the last few weeks. And I have realized that I think I don't like this day. You see I have never, and I mean NEVER been in a "real" relationship. Unless you count the one time in high school, but it was more of those high school flings. I feel like God has placed this feeling/longing on my heart. To get married, have children, be an amazing wife and mother. I just finished reading the book. "When God Writes Your Love Story." Great book, if you have not read it, you probably should. The main point of the book was to hand over the pen of my life, and instead of me keep trying to write my love story/life, I was supposed to Give God the pen. SAY WHAT?! I am okay giving God the pen in everyother aspect of my life, but I was not so sure about this part...but I figured what I am doing is not working, so I guess I will let God have a try. The next point I picked out of the book, was that if you feel this longing, oviously God wouldn't let you feel/go through what you are feeling the pain, suffering, unless it is for your good, so obviously He is up to something.

Well its been a few weeks now of me going back and forth with this pen, I give it to God, well then I take it back again, and it goes back and forth. I think I am finally ready to give Him the pen fully because this going back and forth business is not working. So we will see how that goes. I guess to be honest I secretly do like Valentines Day, it is just hard to see all my friends getting married, having kids, getting out of a relationship, and back into one a few weeks later, and then they all hang out with their significant other on this Day so then I feell like I am left in the dust. But I think the hardest part is that I have this deep disire to have what my friends have, and I don't understand at times what am I doing wrong. I don't understand when a friend breaks up with their boyfriend/girlfriend, and then a month or so later, they are in a new relationship.

I know that I want my future husband whoever he is  to be the only relationship I am in. And I know that is what God wants for me as well. But this waiting time, and figuring out my own life...sometimes sucks.
I know that at times I am not ready to be in a relationship, I am to dang busy, and if I can hardly find time for myself, how am I to find time for someone else. Plus I am also really messed up, we all are. But there are parts of my life, that I need to mess up even more, and then put the pieces together, and figure out parts of my life before I can bring another person into mine.

Okay enough of Valentines Day.
Last week I went to California, for a Conitinuing Education for my job. It was amazing. I got to see lots of old friends, catch up on their lives, and learn a ton of things. I also got to go to Disneyland for the first time ever in my life. I have never been to Disneyland or Disneyworld. I may have acted like an eight year old girl. But by going to this convention I learned so many new things, and most importantly how much I love my job, and what I do. I love hanging out, mentoring, laughting, guiding our young people. They have so much to teach us, and we have so much to learn from them. Sometimes my job does not even feel like work. So I want to thanks all of the mentors in my life:

Shantel Penn, even though your life on this earth was cut way to short, you taught me so much about what it means to be a woman of God. You listended to me with all of my high school drama, home life, and so much more. I wish you were still here physically, but I know you watch over me, and many more each day!

Sarah Thomson, you are stinking amazing! I loved/love writing you letters. You are such a great role model for what it means to be a woman in the church. Your independence, and love for the Lord shines. Also thanks for listening to me and all of my lifes struggles.

Janis Sloka III, the first summer you came to camp, I may have given you a rough time, but you have shown me what it means to be able to fogive. Your leadership, listening ear, and easy going personality have taught me so much, and I will take them with me wherever I go.

Chris Alexander, You were the first woman pastor that I really got to know. You showed me what it means to be a working woman, most importantly in the church. Thank you for your leadership.

My mom, even though you are looking down on me from heaven, and I miss you everyday, you taught me so much in the 21 years we had together. You never complained about any of the things you had to go through, your love, and complete trust in Lord is something that I need to remember every day. There is much more I could say, but I will leave it at that.

Thanks to my friends and family for always being there and supporting me in things that I do. I know that God has a plan for me and my future, and right now I feel that I am living His will. He is teaching me patience, I just wish at times He would hurry up in some departments of my life :)

Here is a picture of my week in California!