At a loss for words

Warning: these are my thoughts, my opinion, and some of the stuff in here you may not agree with, I am not looking to start a huge argument. I am just making a statement, and asking if you are willing to support it.

Here I am almost midnight, I babysat my cousins children, all under the age of 7th grade with two of them being infants, well about an hour ago they were all in bed! (Wahoo!) Anyway my heart is heavy, so heavy. So many things I want to say, but I am at a loss for words, but need to type them out because any minute now one of these babies could be waking up. (I guess that is an encourager to get my butt in gear ha,)

I have all of this passion, and love for the Lord and his dear dear children. But as I said before in my last post I have been struggling to actually read my bible, lets say I have not read my bible in probs over a year unless I had to do it for work. So I am trying this new thing, reading it! I have an app on my phone, with a devotional, and it also has verses linked to it, as well as I am trying to read a chapter a night starting with a book I like. I have read through James, and now I am into 1st Corinthians.

The past week though, I have felt a little unsure about my faith, what I believe in. (Lutheranism.) Now don't get me wrong I love being a Lutheran. It has been great being a Lutheran my whole life. When I was in college, and even high school, I never went through the phase of "Lets experiment my faith, and do I really believe phase." And now I feel like I am there. Of course I know I am a Christian, but right now I feel a little like a non denominational Christian, but at the same time I want to stay true to my Lutheran Faith, because that is what I have believed in for so long. I have a feeling what I am feeling is normal.

Back to all of my passion and love for the Lord and his children. I just want to change lives. I want everyone to know Christ, I want them to Know that there is man who died on a cross, so that our wrongs, our sins, our imperfections, our flaws, everything it is FORGIVEN. And that we have done absolutely nothing to deserve it, but because of grace, we are forgiven, and that is a glorious fact.
There is this thing in the Bismarck/Mandan community (I will keep the name anonymous) but they have this event on most nights of the week for young youth for them to come to and worship, etc. It is great, they have pulled in a lot of youth, however, it is not Lutheran. And a lot of my Lutheran youth are attending this place. Heck I attended this place when I was there age. But right now I am working in a Lutheran Church, therefore despite my personal beliefs right now, I will stay true to the Lutheran Church. But what is the Lutheran Church doing in our community to get these kids into the Lutheran faith? Right now I feel like nothing. If we want our future of our church to be there 20 years from now, we need to form something like the place that these youth are going to that is not of the Lutheran Faith.
It is really hard to try and create something like this because I feel like I don't have the support (Now if your still reading this and are from the Bismarck/Mandan area don't get offended, because these are just my thoughts and my opinion.) I know I may be on some testy waters here, but come on church, the ELCA church is changing! It was only around 25 years ago that we allowed women pastors, which I think is amazing. It was about 4 years ago that we now allow Gay pastors. But baby boom generation, I know most of you don't agree with this new decision that the ELCA has allowed, and this has caused a major uproar. But guess what, our youth, they don't care! I mean they care, but the don't care if someone is straight, they would say well your straight. They don't care your Gay, because well thats who you are. Our youth are more accepting of people than my parents, or grandparents generation.

Another thing, so many pastors and people get angry about the christian music we may sing/listen to. They may say "Well that is not theologically correct for Lutherans" I get that and understand that, but especially for youth, if they are listening to christian music, is that not a start? Why get into that theologically correct stuff. Music is music, and a thing youth are into these days is music. They love it, I love it! Why do we some times get caught up in the "not so important stuff?"(again these are just my thoughts in my head-you may have a different opinion.)

So baby boom generation it is okay that the church is changing, we still believe in one baptism, we still believe that God sent his only son to die on the cross that our sins are forgiven. We are saved by the grace of God alone, (so who are we to judge?) Our salvation is through faith alone. You see our base is still there, but who are we to judge people? Is that not God's job?

So church, are you willing to stand behind me, to encourage our future of the church, our youth? Are you willing to not get caught up in some of the silly stuff? The ELCA is changing, because the times have changed. People have changed. That does not mean our base faith has changed, just the times are. And I understand you older generation, this is a hard thing to do, but we need to make sure that our church will still be here 20, 30 or 40 years from now.

Here are a few links of some videos of some ELCA Pastors that I think might be worth your watching. (If you are still reading by now.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaOzKDRF0D4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kM9Y5S3UYi8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ll3JbrtaCYY&feature=relmfu

p.s. the kids are still sleeping

Sins, Forgiven? Pretend? Real?

Here I am sitting infront of my computer, struggling to type the words I really want to say...but here it goes:

I will be honest, me and God, well we struggle, but who does not ever struggle with God. Lets say I have the works of service part down, but the faith part I need to work on, like reading my bible more.

Last weekend I went to Lifelight, where I got to listen to my favorite band, Tenth Avenue North, (I have seen them three times in the last year) they are great check them out! Buy there music, they are wonderful. Anyway I went to see them in Fargo a year ago, sang in their chior, on their cd had a wonderful time.

So Sunday they played at Lifelight, and man was I excited. Mike, the lead singer of the band, came out to the crowd, was giving a message like he usually does during his concerts, stopped right infront of me (may I mind you that the last two concerts I have seen him in, he has ended up right infront of me.) He put his microphone in my face, and I sang the words "By your side" that song is about how God is By your side, never leaving yo,u always there even when we may not see him.

When Mike left to go back to the stage, I could not help but think "Janie what the heck have you been doing?" And then I felt a sense of "Janie I am here, always have always will, I am never going to leave you." Now I was thinking by now woah, what just happened, and why am i just sucking at my faith. Why can't i just fully give into this great and wonderful God?
Why is it that when I think of my past, my sins, burdens, etc. That when I ask for forgivness from God I can't just fully lay it down at the feet of Jesus and say here ya go, because of what you did I should be able to live free now, free from guilt. But why do I still carry those burdens around?

Here is why I think that. Mike from Tenth Avenue North talked about at their concert a verse from James 5:16
      "Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The prayer of the righteous is powerful and effective"

You see I think Mike has it right when he says, "When we confess our sins to God, it kind of still makes it pretend; but when we confess our sins to one another it makes it real, not pretend"

I think thats why I can't fully just lay my burdens at the feet of Christ, Because in my mind, it is like it is still pretend, because I can't physically see God as a human sitting next to me confessing my sins, I am confessing them to air, the sky a paper, what have you.
But when I sit down with a friend, and confess them, that makes it real, it makes it hard, it makes it so that I can fully lay everything down at the feet of Christ and leave it there.
This is something That I AM going to start working on...I am not going to post my past on here, and I don't expect you to do the same, I do however expect you and myself to find those close Godly friends, sit down with them, cry, pray, CONFESS. Because I have a feeling that the reward in the end, will be far to great and that we will be overcome with humbled adoration, that we will fall to our knees, feel unworthy, but we will be FORGIVEN. And that my friends, is a marvouls reward.