Skunk pills and complaints...

I feel like I say every year "I am going to blog/journal more." And every year I write a post and then I fail to write again, so this year I am not going to say that and in hopes maybe I will blog more.

Today I attended a funeral for a friend whose mom passed away. This friend and I used to work at camp together and became pretty good friends at camp. He was very supportive to me when my mom passed which I think prompted me to want to start blogging today.

Attending this funeral today was like ripping open old wounds. I am one who does not talk about my feelings, I am one who buries them deep down and I guess in a way I choose not to talk about them. In order for you to understand me I guess I have to go back to the beginning, because those old wounds that I once burried deep down and were now ripped open today are ready to be spoken, or in this case typed. But in its own way for me it is still pretend because I am acutally not sitting down infront you to say this, and I won't because that I can't do.

When I was born I was to much of a strain on my mothers body becuase she was a diabetic and having me put to much strain on her kidneys so after I was born my mother had to endure a kidney and pancreas transplant. My mother never complained, well maybe once after I was born I hear the story of how she was holding me and her words were." I love her so much but I just want to throw her against the wall." That was the only complaint I think I have ever heard from her I guess it was her way of saying: "Why the hell do I have this disease and this sucks." My mother in addition to that surgery after I was born went on to have two more pancreas transplants, a gastric pacemaker put in her stomach, and not to mention all of the needles that she was poked with, countless nights in the hospital, the crap she had to drink, and all of the pills she had to take, the big ones and the ones that smelt like skunks. I don't know how she did it, but through it all she NEVER once complained. She always had this faith in God that no matter what he would provide. Which is I guess where I get my faith in God from.

When I was growing up I felt like my world revolved around my mother and whether or not she was ill or well. Due to this rollercoster I always buried what my feelings were deep down; because I felt in our family that my mothers health came first. She always told me that I was her "masterpiece" She wanted noting more in this world than to have child and I was it. I was her world, and  my world revolved around her, so in turn she was my world. 

Now I should mention that my life was not all about my mother being sick, there were fun times and we made the most of them. My mother was a night owl, which is where I am sure I got that trait from. I remember we would stay up late watching re-runs of "In the Heat of the Night." One night we stayed up practically all night watching CMT waiting for the music video of "Butterfly Kisses" to come on, because then internet and youtube was not the thing yet. It finally came on about 6 a.m. which we then decided it was morning and needed breakfast and then took a long nap. One year we woke up at the break of dawn drove to Herbergers for Black Friday just so I could get a $20 comforter. One time my family went camping with my Aunts camper for three days. We had to bring the entire house, including the kitchen sink; but of course forgot the milk. Good thing the State Line was open. We made fun out of the little things because we couldn't go to Disneyland, or some other place that every other family seemed to be going on vacation and I wouldn't have had it any other way. 

But now four years later, she is gone. One comment someone made to me will always stick with me. Once my mom decided to go on to hospice and we brought her home someone told me: "Janie I would have thought if anyone could change her mind, it would be you." Talk about about a tough "skunk" pill to swallow. But you know what my mom made the right choice, and her choice was my choice, and my dad's choice. Because we knew that her frail, scarred from surgery, broken, weak body could no longer endure the life struggles she was delt with; and dammit she was ready to complain. She was ready to go to a place where she didn't have to suffer anymore, a place where she was set free from those struggles. 

Every one grieves in their own way. My dad took moms death very hard in the beginning. I of course buried it deep down. It is funny how it hits you not one day goes by that my mom does not cross my mind. I think, "I wonder what mom would have had to say about this." I would love to have one more long conversation with here and a pop. Sometimes it hits you like a slap in the face, even though I think about her every day somedays it hits me and it is like I forgot that she was gone. Somehow life goes on. We need to look to the future and what is to come instead of the past. 

So there is that. In other fun news that has happened in my life in the last year. 
 I decided to go to Seminary - yay! That to be honest is one of the only big things that happened in the past year. Here is to blogging more and not going through the motions. 

One thing that I really took away from today's funeral was that life is to short. Take and adventure, be bold, be blunt, live life with no regrets.